silence explained

i've been really quiet on blogville lately. well, i have inner peace to thank for that. MJ and i are doing very well and things are just getting better. i don't hold back anymore and i don't second guess anything before i do it. i am no longer emotionally detached and our intimacy level is soaring. i can only pray things continue to get better and better.
just wanted to give kisses to everyone on blogville who saw me thru alot of my emotional turmoil and for all the great advice i got.
MJ and i's anniversary is right around the corner. OMG, i can't believe we've been together for a year.
thanks again everyone. i'm still here anyways.

sex on the beach.

i was really hoping to blog about sex on the beach today, and no, not the cocktail. i decided Mr Jones and i needed to go some place away from the world we know and so we agreed on the beach for Sunday. i had dreams of walking to the far far ends where people (except horny couples) don't really go and making him want it bad as we go, then we get to the part where it's just us and the waves, sunset and sand and we'll just have a quickie.
oh well, we never made it to the beach, we ended up seeing a movie where the girl in front of me got proposed to at the cinema, it was such an awwwww moment.
anyway, Mr Jones and i are taking one step at a time and it looks like they are in the right direction.

can't think of a title.

thanks for all the love everyone. it put alot into perspective (altho Chari was crying wolf).
the weekend got even crazier but we spent some time together on sunday and we talked and i basically broke down. i told him about the one relationship that scarred me and he's willing to work with me but i've got my own part to play. i need to be willing to let go of all the hurt, i need to be ready to make a full and permanent recovery and i need to stop second guessing everything.
i came to the realisation that my dispostion ( the distance and the 'whatever' way i handled the relationship) was a likelihood to make him seek for attention from someone else (the Wumi saga). i wanna right all the wrongs now and i'm looking to God for help. even if this relationship isn't gonna last a lifetime (God forbid, God forbid, God forbid!) it's worth working at, i mean, he's on the receiving end of most of the bullsh*t and he still wants to work this out, which one is now my own?
p.s: Mrs Jones (his mum) noticed that i've always been quite emotionally detached and cold and she had 2 questions to ask:
1. am i straight? (ahn ahn, isn't that a tad extreme. i may be a li'l boyish but errrrrr, it's not that bad.)
2. am i seeing someone else? (course not!!!!)
anyways, i'm letting go, letting God and letting love.
thanks again everyone and please do come back again and again. xoxo

break over

it's just been a few hours of the break and i haven't handled that well. i didn't want any alcohol so i started with fizzy drinks. this picture is missing a few more cans that i had already chucked in the bin. my belly hurts like hell. as someone said to me on wednesday, i don't have the capacity to handle stress. truth is, i can darn well handle stress and every emotional turmoil, but i've done that so much that it's almost turned into a cancer, just eating away at my heart. so, i'm not keeping any more of that stuff in me, i'm openly dealing with it.

i called the break off a couple of minutes ago, i just can't do it. i don't want to give way to the devil. i'll figure out what i want while i'm in the relationship. no breaks needed.

seyi and seun, thanks for all the good advice. aloted, thanks for the hug. bless ur heart miz-cynic.

p.s: i crinkled and tore that malt can with my bare hands and cut myself, ouch!

topsy turvy

just the post ago, i was talking about staying together with Mr Jones but now i don't know how feasible that is. i guess there's more to a relationship than crazy love. i thought love+sacrifice would strike the balance and keep us together but it requires much more. he's never gonna accept me with my emotional lapses. we had an almost fight today but i made up my mind not to fight. he says i'm distant, okay so maybe i am. today, we were just chilling at his and he was working on his laptop and i was trying not to get in the way and we did not do so much as kiss, apparently he was letting me take the lead and i flopped...like i always do apparently.
now, i'm crying my brains out cos i feel it's always gonna be one complaint after another and he's never gonna accept me with my "pieced together" heart (a consequence of failed relationships). maybe we should just break this off, i'm not giving up easily but there's alot i haven't blogged about, all the fights that have led up to this. we've only been together for a couple of months short of a year and this is the time when we need to know whether or not to proceed. everything in me wants to proceed but i don't know if proceeding would not result in a break up in time.
i'm not afraid to be alone, i just don't think i'm strong enough to reminisce about this relationship. i don't want it to be over but everything seems to be pointing to the OUT door.
i need to go blow my nose now.

11/10/08 4:07pm
so i've blown my nose one too many times cos i cant stop crying (chari did u notice that i sounded wierd?). i really cant explain the tears. and even with all that crying, i still feel pent up. anyway, we decided on a break yesterday, mr Jones and i. so we're basically on a break. i hate breaks. how do u know when to call it off or when u've had sufficient time away from one another? anyways o, i'm taking the time to evaluate what i really want. i didn't have a good sleep last night, been cooking all day just to keep myself busy. i've also been stringing beads (yup, it's that bad), i still feel terribly fucked.
all i can seem to think of is 'am i that emotionally messed up that i'm giving Mr Jones a hard time loving me?' if i really am, God punish all the bastards to blame, i thought i had forgiven u all but now i think not. may u get twice the unrest i have now in your relationships. ok, that's a tad extreme.
Mr Jones, i've got one question for u: can i trust you? as in can i give u all of my heart and not bother much about what u're gonna do with it?
bullshit! he doesn't know about this blog. i guess i'm gonna have to ask him in person when the break is over. if he says yes, then ima break down what's left of these walls. if he answers otherwise or gives an unsatisfactory answer (u know as long as it isn't a yes, then it's a no), i'm rolling, there's no effing point cos basically, i think i have trust issues.
this post is getting boring, hiss!

let's stay together

Mr Jones and i, we're just like every other couple out there. we fight every now and again and we kiss and make up all the time. we've been talking alot lately and we voiced out the obvious: we are very alike. we're both stubborn and proud and highly opinionated and it's almost a recipe for disaster but we've decided to make sacrifices if we want this thing to work long term and if possible, forever.
i want it to be forever. i want to wake up in his arms every morning and have late night chats with him, i want to watch movies and share a good laugh with him every weekend. i've dreamed being Mrs Jones, his Mrs Jones. and not just Mrs Jones the title, Mrs Jones cos i always want to be with him.
so we're putting in the extra effort, snipping our excesses (ego wise) and putting a check to aspects of our personalities that don't balance. i'm making these sacrifices cos i want us to stay together and i presume that's the reason he's doing it as well.
BTW, anger is a bitch. i got all irrational about the Wumi thing, i gotta admit. i haven't asked him about her and i don't see a reason to cos now that i'm all chilled out about it, it don't mean a thing to Miss Jones. it's not even a passing thought, i reckon it's nothing to even think twice about. poof! it's all gone. Wumi? who's that?

magic vodka.

on thursday, i spontaneously text my man and asked him to do drinks with me on friday after work. he was down with it and we hooked up. i had a martini, carefully trying to avoid vodka (the one i'd been craving for) but since we were bar hoping, we eventually settled at this one with no martini, so vodka was it. i mustav had about 3 doubles and before i knew it, my boyfriend and i were grinding ( i'd ordinarily do that in a club not in a pub). it was tons of fun but needless to say there was so much homo activity. the freaks were out to play last night, boys tapping one another's asses, sticking out their booty, grinding on poles, hugging, i felt violated watching all that. in Las Gidi not Canada...ewww!
anyway, the whole purpose of meeting up for drinks was to end the tension we were having. you could literarily cut it with a knife, it was that thick. it worked, tension's over. we talked about everything and nothing at all, kissed like crazy in public, danced ( i love dancing with my boo), went home together (we stayed at mine) and made crazy mind blowing love ( it was so mad, make up sex is the shizzle). we got up at 3 am to have more and i skipped my friend's baby shower cos my legs were wobbly from all the loving. spent the rest of the afternoon at his...ok, too much details. we are cool now, the vodka did the trick.

chari luv, read your last entry. thanks for charizing me and i'm serious about sending u a bottle of vodka, you need to drink and be merry.lol. hey, was it the girl u were just thinking of introducing to your moma? dayyyuuummmmmnnnn!

i'm selfish, he's conceited

arrrrgggggghhhhhhh! i need to chill..........still typing with a little viciousness and incoherency.
BUT, i'm glad i overcame the temptation to drink last night. i REJECTED the bottle, woohoo!
so my boyfriend and i spoke about alot last night, he initiated the talking and i didn't touch on the topic of the Wumi girl. in it's own time, that'll surface and ima be ready but now, i just dont wanna go there, i try not to do anything in anger. and so for now, there's nothing to say on that.
we talked about the "whatever" stage we were going through and i'm too ready to put that behind me. his explanation: we were not at the whatever stage, he just decided to stop fussing cos i stopped fussing. NO I DID NOT, i was just tired of feeling that if something went wrong, it'd be my fault. ok, i need to stop beating myself over the head.
part of the convo we had last night, boyfriend said i only see things wrong with the relationship when it's not going my way and i'm selfish. ME, MISS JONES, SELFISH? i decided not to dwell on it. he does not seem to notice that i try not to complain most times and i love him madly and thus i have accepted him just the way he is. he's the good one and i'm the bad one, eh? if i'm selfish, he's just conceited.
he says i'm not there for him when he needs me the most (wait a minute, who does he turn to? Wumi?) but he tries to be there for me all the time. says who? but i was too spent to argue last night or lay blame. if i wanna fight, i want it to be over substantial stuff not petty bullshit, so i just dropped it. things are almost back to normal. i learnt something today:

if you are strong enough to love, you should be strong enough to take the bruises that come with it; love hurts sometimes.

I'M STRONG.

i'm capable of murder

i wouldav sworn an hour ago that i'm incapable of killing but now i know otherwise.
i'm angry, like fuming mad, like really really pissed off.
i'm crazy in love with this guy and i think i've tried too hard to put my self centred bitch attitude aside just to make sure that if the relationship gets screwed, it wont be from me. but i really dont know wasap mehn, is it too hard to focus all your attention on one chic?
the time i was away on holiday, my man totally substituted me. i saw a couple of msgs on his fone to and from one slag named Wumi but it wasnt anything, i was just uncomfortable with the frequency. for a couple of weeks, we've been having drama in the sense that we've reached the stage where we treat the relationship with a "whatever" attitude. i got to find that the entire time i was on holiday, they were damn close, msgs every other time with promises to call and shit like that. he even used to call her from the States (cos he was away for a while).damn!
i'm just typing with viciousness and incoherency but i need to VENT.
in my usual fashion of not bringing drama to the table, i'm not gonna bring this up with him and i'm not letting it fly either. i'll sort it out, that just means plenty of vodka.
i'm crazy pissed off right now, if he was in my space now, a simple sheet of paper would turn to a murder weapon.
there...feels better, some steam is out.

blog suspended, blog revived.

i suspended this blog for a bit because i wasn't quite sure if i wanted to blog about my miss to mrs phase. today, i'm too sure i want to do that. i've had a lot of suppressed emotions that need to come out, here and now. i dont talk alot about my drama to people, i'd rather talk about regular things and act like that it's all gravy...it ain't. i'm stripping, here and now. i think i even want readers because the comments might help me keep my sanity(lmao).
...blog revived.

our monthiversary

today is my boyfriend and i's monthiversary...one of, actually because we make a little fuss about it every month. no biggie, we don't go out to dinner or anything of that sort every month but we always remember this day every month and we just reiterate our love.
anyway, i'm still on holiday and i miss him terribly and the phone calls have reduced, but its not so bad. we get in touch by sms and sometimes facebook.

his mum is enroute home and we had a few more phone conversations before she left, however i didn't get to see her. i really did intend to go visit her but it just didn't happen as she kept popping out of town and days when she was around, it was either she was really occupied or i was in no shape to go out. long story cut short: i din't get to see her.

today's monthiversary is what i'll dub "the worst one ever" for so many reasons. first of all, we are afar off from one another (i must have overstated this point already). then again, i upset my boyfriend over the weekend by not showing adequate concern and affection (totally inexcusable, so i can really understand why he got mad at me); and its not like he's mad at me, mad at me because we've talked it through and it has subsided, but he's only human so i can understand if he can't instantly switch from disapointed to all lovey-dovey. a third reason is that i'm having doubts about our relationship and i'm not sure if he's happy being with me. i should have phrased my last statement better but i guess the 'raw raw' should be said.i'll talk about the fight later and reasons why i'm having doubts; all the same, happy monthiversary to us.

so i put the call to my boyfriend's mum the other day. not bad really. it was a two minute ish call, exchange of plesantries, a little chat about how we were spending our holiday bla bla bla and it was over. the shocker however, was that she called me the following day "just to say hello". that feels like a good sign but i'm not gonna view it as acceptance or whatever, she might have just been civil, returning a call.

i really should point out that i'm not craving for acceptance from her but it's just nice to know she is in my corner. i've got African roots and families are our thing, large families, extended families. so it is quite impossible to be in a relationship and not be immersed into the family. hence, it is important to be accepted and if you are lucky, approved.

my mum and my boyfriend...love at first sight. they get along perfectly and i'll like to credit my mum for that. she is extremely warm, accomodating and realistic. realistic in the sense that she realises that my happiness is priority, so as long as i'm happy, she's alright with whatever choices i make. that said, if i start a new relationship today, the new boyfriend would enjoy the same warmth and accomodation.

long story cut short, i'm building a relationship with my boyfriend's mum. yay!

lost without him...very robin thickesque

a few days ago, i left home on holiday. it totally sucks to be without my boyfriend. i really wish we had come on holiday together but he could not come because he doesn't get time off work until much later. i have a whole lot of free time on my hands so i decided to come visit family.

my boyfriend and i only get to see on the weekends when he's home. it's thursday today and normally, this is the day when my happiness builds up because i know it's only one day in between before i see him. however, i'm a little sulky today because i will not get to see him this weekend, not get to hug, nor kiss him, nor just sit with him and catch up on what we both missed in each others lives during the week. i will not get to go work out with him and ogle at his hot body when he comes out of the pool. God, i miss him. we speak on the phone everyday but it still isn't the same.

why am i making a big deal out of this?? because we've never been away from one another like this since we started dating. i know it's bound to happen sometime but why not when we are a little choked up and therefore need a holiday from each other, or why not when we always seem to be fighting and the distance would do some good to the relationship?? why now?? when i'm falling deeper and deeper in love with him, when i don't want to spend half a second away from him. i know i need to wake up to the reality that relationships are not like this in the real world, but i need something for me to reminisce on when i'm living in the real world, that'll get me through the fights, the rocky roads and the moments of uncertainty.

at the moment, my boyfriend's mum is in the same region as me, on holiday as well. i got her telephone number off her son. we have a cordial relationship, but i'm just unsure of what to say to her when i call. i'm clueless as to whether i should go over and see her or maybe go out to dinner with her. the thing is the relationship got to the 'meet-the-parent' stage pretty early and that freaks me out a little. well, if i'm going to get from miss to mrs, i might as well build on my relationship with her, she might be 'mother-in-law', who knows??

here i go

i'm just like you or someone you know. a lady who has had a lifelong dream of sharing her life with a special man. however, somewhere along the line, the relationships we get in to just give us a change of heart. i have oft contemplated not getting married but now, i have reached that age where marriage and a family seem to be almost all i'm living for.

i dream all of the time about me, with my husband and kids somewhere in the mix. i'll have a career but it would never supercede my duty as a wife and mum, i'll sing when i'm fixing dinner, because i'll feel fulfilled doing it, ill get into a row with my boss just because i need to take the afternoon off to watch my son's soccer game, i'll cornrow my daughter's hair and make her a mini me and when she's old enough, i'll teach her a few things about men. i'll gladly car pool, be present at school concerts, go on getaway trips with my husband and drop the kids off with their nan...i dream about all these things all day, everyday.

the problem however is, i don't know when la dolce vita would begin for me. at least i have taken a step in the right direction by getting into a relationship...a very special one at that, where i'm not in it just because, but i'm in it cos i've fallen in love. this might be the one that would lead to my dream-come-true, but then again it might not.

my blog...my journey from miss to mrs. Lord knows how long it'll be on for, hopefully not the rest of my life.