Monday, December 7, 2009

All’s well…and good is all good.

I couldn’t wait for more blogville comments before I told MJ. I knew that whatever was gonna happen, he was designed to be a big part of it. I was such a chicken and so I couldn’t tell him directly so I asked him to read the blog. He called back shortly afterwards and asked that we meet up.
We met up and had a chat on Friday night and like I rightly guessed, he was opting for staying together and getting hitched. That really blended (into puree) what was left of my broken heart because it meant that he was only willing to work at ‘us’ cos of the kid and not otherwise.
Anyways we decided I take a blood test to verify and we did that yesterday. MJ was very supportive and he was there for me in ways I’d never observed through out our 2 years of being together. He wiped my tears and listened to me intently without once using the words ‘chill’ or ‘pump your brakes’ (his favourite words when I’m throwing a tantrum). God bless u in a million folds and be there for u always MJ.
We thought of how to break the news to our families, everyone’s reactions, quick wedding. He thought about his dad being ecstatic, I thought about Mrs Jones and what she’d think of me. He thought about baby-clothes shopping in America, I thought about going to Vegas, getting married & then coming back to tell everyone. He thought about finances, I thought about returning the Brazilian hair I bought during the week. He thought about us going away for a week so that we could mend, I thought about seeing a shrink with both our families. He was sure it was gonna be a boy, I was worried about getting blood poisoning cos I don’t have Rhesus D. He was up all night reading about pregnancy on the internet, I was up all night thinking and crying my brains away.
The blood test result came out negative and I was relieved but not happy… I don’t know why. We decided I take another one elsewhere just to be sure. I got home and peed on 2 more sticks (and they were both negative)...then I cried like a baby but more importantly I slept like one.
There must be a medical or psychological explanation to why a gazillion sticks came out positive but I really don’t care now that all is well.
I’m still seriously looking out for what lessons we were both meant to learn from this. I was only reminded of how wonderful a man MJ is and how lucky his wife would be.
Now I can go back to my grieving and look forward to my mending.
Thank God that all is well…and you know what they say… ‘good is all good’…but I miss me some good ol’ MJ.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

K.O & K.U

oh well, i'm once again no longer in d running to becoming Mrs. Jones.
i really didnt want to blog about it this time, i just intended to grieve and then mend no matter how long it takes.
MJ said the relationship was not heading in the right direction and there's not much else a person can say to that, is there? so basically, i've lost this fight...i've been knocked out.

this is the scary part and i thank God for anonymous blogging. i dont even know how to break this to MJ, or if ever i should. i peed on a stick last nyt and i saw 2 simple words...i'm preggers. i peed on 3 more sticks at 3 different times before dawn and they all said the same thing.
how could i be so careless right??? now that i realise i'm on my own in this world, i'm asking myself that question over and over again. i was on d dang pill and i was very religious with it. i didnt miss a single day and i had an alarm set so i wouldnt miss the time either. i've been on d pill for over a year now and i trusted it a 100% even though i knew there was a 2% chance dat it'll fail. even with d pill, i tried to make sure MJ and i got it on during my safe period.

i dont know what to do right now. i'm so confused cos i havent missed a period hence i didnt suspect anything. oh well, i took a test a month ago as a pre-req for something and the doctors said the result was inconlusive and asked if i used contraceptive pills. when i said yes, it seemed to mean something to them and they said i was fine, that the pills made d result look so. i decided to see my gynae to confirm but then my period came on time and it was as regular as ever so i felt there was no cause for alarm.
for some reason, i peed on the sticks last nyt...not cos i thot i was pregnant but just to be sure i wasnt carrying baggage as MJ and i only broke up 2 days ago. so basically, i'm knocked up.

i dont know how pregnant i am, i dont know what to do, who to call...i'm just going thru all this madness alone. i'm so scared to tell MJ cos i suspect he'll want to be responsible and ask that we get back or even get hitched...and that's totally the opposite of what he wants ryt now. i somehow think he may have found someone else and i dont want to mess that up for him. i dont wanna be one of those people that trap a man with a baby. btw, if he thinks d relationship is all wrong and not working, how is a baby supposed to help the situation???
i know for a fact that i dont want to be a single mum. i also know that i would die of guilt if i got rid of it...that would cause me so much emotional pain for the rest of my life and many inner demons. i would have too many secrets and should i find someone else, i would never be able to bring myself to tell him. i would be living a lie and dying inside.

i never thot this would happen to me. my life is so over ryt now.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

break-up to make-up

i know i owe alot of gist but it's been a crazy 3months...i've had very gruelling moments....times when i just wanted to fade away....times when i cried till i was numb and times when i just wanted to grab my passport and just up-and-go. through it all, God was faithful. i prayed for strength and healing and most of all direction. i tried and tried to get closure but i couldn't (God knew it wasn't the end), ultimately, i built a better relationship with Mrs. Jones.
at some point, i questioned if that was the right thing to do considering i was no longer dating her son...but i badly needed to correct the opinion she had of me & it was something i always wanted...better late than never.
i was never out of touch with MJ and we still hung out on the weekends and spoke very often. to cut the long story short, he asked that we get back together and i didn't want anything more. we are back together now and it's been almost a month. i've decided that i'll learn from all that went wrong instead of licking my wounds.
p.s: i had a chat with Mrs Jones, asking what i'd done wrong and she stripped bare. i wasnt daughterly enough but all that is changing now...i need to realise that i'm not oyinbo and it'll never be just MJ and i. it'll be me, him, his entire family and mine.
thank you all for being there for me.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

game over...i lost!

dat's all folks. i'm no longer in the running to becoming Mrs Jones. MJ and i split up...i guess i was never right for him (in Mrs Jones' opinion). i lost.
would blog about it all wen i feel strong enough.
chari, this is when i need u to cry wolf cos it really is wolf.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

me and mrs jones

I know it’s only when I have problems that I blog…shame on me…but I can trust blogville to make me feel better.
From the topic, u can guess the P. it’s me and Mrs. Jones. We were building a relationship or so I thought but I’ve noticed that nowadays, she’s just plainly civil to me. She just says hello, asks about my parents and every once in a while she throws in an extra line. I tried to talk to MJ about it and he didn’t want to say too much (and I def didn’t want to put him on d spot, u know how boys can be about their moms) but I gather that it had to do with the bad patch I had with her son sometime late last year (the time when the relationship was topsy-turvy). She thought I was taking advantage of her son, but now that we are past that, she still has this thing going on.
BTW did I remember to mention that she suggested that he break up the relationship at the time when we had loads of drama?
Way forward: I asked MJ and he said I should build a relationship with her. HOW? She doesn’t have an accommodating mien for me so how am I supposed to go about it. I call her randomly but not for too long, like a minute-ish convo. When I’m over at hers, I pop into the kitchen to help but she still doesn’t say much; otherwise, she’s in her room and I usually have to make MJ get her so I can say hello and goodbye. It’s tough and I’m so envious of MJ’s relationship with my mum. I’d be just fine if I had a tenth of that relationship with his mum.
I hope it doesn’t get to the point where MJ will get tired of “having to defend me” (-his words) every time they have a chat about me. Help!!!!!!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

silence explained

i've been really quiet on blogville lately. well, i have inner peace to thank for that. MJ and i are doing very well and things are just getting better. i don't hold back anymore and i don't second guess anything before i do it. i am no longer emotionally detached and our intimacy level is soaring. i can only pray things continue to get better and better.
just wanted to give kisses to everyone on blogville who saw me thru alot of my emotional turmoil and for all the great advice i got.
MJ and i's anniversary is right around the corner. OMG, i can't believe we've been together for a year.
thanks again everyone. i'm still here anyways.

Monday, October 20, 2008

sex on the beach.

i was really hoping to blog about sex on the beach today, and no, not the cocktail. i decided Mr Jones and i needed to go some place away from the world we know and so we agreed on the beach for Sunday. i had dreams of walking to the far far ends where people (except horny couples) don't really go and making him want it bad as we go, then we get to the part where it's just us and the waves, sunset and sand and we'll just have a quickie.
oh well, we never made it to the beach, we ended up seeing a movie where the girl in front of me got proposed to at the cinema, it was such an awwwww moment.
anyway, Mr Jones and i are taking one step at a time and it looks like they are in the right direction.