topsy turvy

just the post ago, i was talking about staying together with Mr Jones but now i don't know how feasible that is. i guess there's more to a relationship than crazy love. i thought love+sacrifice would strike the balance and keep us together but it requires much more. he's never gonna accept me with my emotional lapses. we had an almost fight today but i made up my mind not to fight. he says i'm distant, okay so maybe i am. today, we were just chilling at his and he was working on his laptop and i was trying not to get in the way and we did not do so much as kiss, apparently he was letting me take the lead and i flopped...like i always do apparently.
now, i'm crying my brains out cos i feel it's always gonna be one complaint after another and he's never gonna accept me with my "pieced together" heart (a consequence of failed relationships). maybe we should just break this off, i'm not giving up easily but there's alot i haven't blogged about, all the fights that have led up to this. we've only been together for a couple of months short of a year and this is the time when we need to know whether or not to proceed. everything in me wants to proceed but i don't know if proceeding would not result in a break up in time.
i'm not afraid to be alone, i just don't think i'm strong enough to reminisce about this relationship. i don't want it to be over but everything seems to be pointing to the OUT door.
i need to go blow my nose now.

11/10/08 4:07pm
so i've blown my nose one too many times cos i cant stop crying (chari did u notice that i sounded wierd?). i really cant explain the tears. and even with all that crying, i still feel pent up. anyway, we decided on a break yesterday, mr Jones and i. so we're basically on a break. i hate breaks. how do u know when to call it off or when u've had sufficient time away from one another? anyways o, i'm taking the time to evaluate what i really want. i didn't have a good sleep last night, been cooking all day just to keep myself busy. i've also been stringing beads (yup, it's that bad), i still feel terribly fucked.
all i can seem to think of is 'am i that emotionally messed up that i'm giving Mr Jones a hard time loving me?' if i really am, God punish all the bastards to blame, i thought i had forgiven u all but now i think not. may u get twice the unrest i have now in your relationships. ok, that's a tad extreme.
Mr Jones, i've got one question for u: can i trust you? as in can i give u all of my heart and not bother much about what u're gonna do with it?
bullshit! he doesn't know about this blog. i guess i'm gonna have to ask him in person when the break is over. if he says yes, then ima break down what's left of these walls. if he answers otherwise or gives an unsatisfactory answer (u know as long as it isn't a yes, then it's a no), i'm rolling, there's no effing point cos basically, i think i have trust issues.
this post is getting boring, hiss!