magic vodka.

on thursday, i spontaneously text my man and asked him to do drinks with me on friday after work. he was down with it and we hooked up. i had a martini, carefully trying to avoid vodka (the one i'd been craving for) but since we were bar hoping, we eventually settled at this one with no martini, so vodka was it. i mustav had about 3 doubles and before i knew it, my boyfriend and i were grinding ( i'd ordinarily do that in a club not in a pub). it was tons of fun but needless to say there was so much homo activity. the freaks were out to play last night, boys tapping one another's asses, sticking out their booty, grinding on poles, hugging, i felt violated watching all that. in Las Gidi not Canada...ewww!
anyway, the whole purpose of meeting up for drinks was to end the tension we were having. you could literarily cut it with a knife, it was that thick. it worked, tension's over. we talked about everything and nothing at all, kissed like crazy in public, danced ( i love dancing with my boo), went home together (we stayed at mine) and made crazy mind blowing love ( it was so mad, make up sex is the shizzle). we got up at 3 am to have more and i skipped my friend's baby shower cos my legs were wobbly from all the loving. spent the rest of the afternoon at his...ok, too much details. we are cool now, the vodka did the trick.

chari luv, read your last entry. thanks for charizing me and i'm serious about sending u a bottle of vodka, you need to drink and be merry.lol. hey, was it the girl u were just thinking of introducing to your moma? dayyyuuummmmmnnnn!

i'm selfish, he's conceited

arrrrgggggghhhhhhh! i need to chill..........still typing with a little viciousness and incoherency.
BUT, i'm glad i overcame the temptation to drink last night. i REJECTED the bottle, woohoo!
so my boyfriend and i spoke about alot last night, he initiated the talking and i didn't touch on the topic of the Wumi girl. in it's own time, that'll surface and ima be ready but now, i just dont wanna go there, i try not to do anything in anger. and so for now, there's nothing to say on that.
we talked about the "whatever" stage we were going through and i'm too ready to put that behind me. his explanation: we were not at the whatever stage, he just decided to stop fussing cos i stopped fussing. NO I DID NOT, i was just tired of feeling that if something went wrong, it'd be my fault. ok, i need to stop beating myself over the head.
part of the convo we had last night, boyfriend said i only see things wrong with the relationship when it's not going my way and i'm selfish. ME, MISS JONES, SELFISH? i decided not to dwell on it. he does not seem to notice that i try not to complain most times and i love him madly and thus i have accepted him just the way he is. he's the good one and i'm the bad one, eh? if i'm selfish, he's just conceited.
he says i'm not there for him when he needs me the most (wait a minute, who does he turn to? Wumi?) but he tries to be there for me all the time. says who? but i was too spent to argue last night or lay blame. if i wanna fight, i want it to be over substantial stuff not petty bullshit, so i just dropped it. things are almost back to normal. i learnt something today:

if you are strong enough to love, you should be strong enough to take the bruises that come with it; love hurts sometimes.

I'M STRONG.

i'm capable of murder

i wouldav sworn an hour ago that i'm incapable of killing but now i know otherwise.
i'm angry, like fuming mad, like really really pissed off.
i'm crazy in love with this guy and i think i've tried too hard to put my self centred bitch attitude aside just to make sure that if the relationship gets screwed, it wont be from me. but i really dont know wasap mehn, is it too hard to focus all your attention on one chic?
the time i was away on holiday, my man totally substituted me. i saw a couple of msgs on his fone to and from one slag named Wumi but it wasnt anything, i was just uncomfortable with the frequency. for a couple of weeks, we've been having drama in the sense that we've reached the stage where we treat the relationship with a "whatever" attitude. i got to find that the entire time i was on holiday, they were damn close, msgs every other time with promises to call and shit like that. he even used to call her from the States (cos he was away for a while).damn!
i'm just typing with viciousness and incoherency but i need to VENT.
in my usual fashion of not bringing drama to the table, i'm not gonna bring this up with him and i'm not letting it fly either. i'll sort it out, that just means plenty of vodka.
i'm crazy pissed off right now, if he was in my space now, a simple sheet of paper would turn to a murder weapon.
there...feels better, some steam is out.

blog suspended, blog revived.

i suspended this blog for a bit because i wasn't quite sure if i wanted to blog about my miss to mrs phase. today, i'm too sure i want to do that. i've had a lot of suppressed emotions that need to come out, here and now. i dont talk alot about my drama to people, i'd rather talk about regular things and act like that it's all gravy...it ain't. i'm stripping, here and now. i think i even want readers because the comments might help me keep my sanity(lmao).
...blog revived.

our monthiversary

today is my boyfriend and i's monthiversary...one of, actually because we make a little fuss about it every month. no biggie, we don't go out to dinner or anything of that sort every month but we always remember this day every month and we just reiterate our love.
anyway, i'm still on holiday and i miss him terribly and the phone calls have reduced, but its not so bad. we get in touch by sms and sometimes facebook.

his mum is enroute home and we had a few more phone conversations before she left, however i didn't get to see her. i really did intend to go visit her but it just didn't happen as she kept popping out of town and days when she was around, it was either she was really occupied or i was in no shape to go out. long story cut short: i din't get to see her.

today's monthiversary is what i'll dub "the worst one ever" for so many reasons. first of all, we are afar off from one another (i must have overstated this point already). then again, i upset my boyfriend over the weekend by not showing adequate concern and affection (totally inexcusable, so i can really understand why he got mad at me); and its not like he's mad at me, mad at me because we've talked it through and it has subsided, but he's only human so i can understand if he can't instantly switch from disapointed to all lovey-dovey. a third reason is that i'm having doubts about our relationship and i'm not sure if he's happy being with me. i should have phrased my last statement better but i guess the 'raw raw' should be said.i'll talk about the fight later and reasons why i'm having doubts; all the same, happy monthiversary to us.

so i put the call to my boyfriend's mum the other day. not bad really. it was a two minute ish call, exchange of plesantries, a little chat about how we were spending our holiday bla bla bla and it was over. the shocker however, was that she called me the following day "just to say hello". that feels like a good sign but i'm not gonna view it as acceptance or whatever, she might have just been civil, returning a call.

i really should point out that i'm not craving for acceptance from her but it's just nice to know she is in my corner. i've got African roots and families are our thing, large families, extended families. so it is quite impossible to be in a relationship and not be immersed into the family. hence, it is important to be accepted and if you are lucky, approved.

my mum and my boyfriend...love at first sight. they get along perfectly and i'll like to credit my mum for that. she is extremely warm, accomodating and realistic. realistic in the sense that she realises that my happiness is priority, so as long as i'm happy, she's alright with whatever choices i make. that said, if i start a new relationship today, the new boyfriend would enjoy the same warmth and accomodation.

long story cut short, i'm building a relationship with my boyfriend's mum. yay!

lost without him...very robin thickesque

a few days ago, i left home on holiday. it totally sucks to be without my boyfriend. i really wish we had come on holiday together but he could not come because he doesn't get time off work until much later. i have a whole lot of free time on my hands so i decided to come visit family.

my boyfriend and i only get to see on the weekends when he's home. it's thursday today and normally, this is the day when my happiness builds up because i know it's only one day in between before i see him. however, i'm a little sulky today because i will not get to see him this weekend, not get to hug, nor kiss him, nor just sit with him and catch up on what we both missed in each others lives during the week. i will not get to go work out with him and ogle at his hot body when he comes out of the pool. God, i miss him. we speak on the phone everyday but it still isn't the same.

why am i making a big deal out of this?? because we've never been away from one another like this since we started dating. i know it's bound to happen sometime but why not when we are a little choked up and therefore need a holiday from each other, or why not when we always seem to be fighting and the distance would do some good to the relationship?? why now?? when i'm falling deeper and deeper in love with him, when i don't want to spend half a second away from him. i know i need to wake up to the reality that relationships are not like this in the real world, but i need something for me to reminisce on when i'm living in the real world, that'll get me through the fights, the rocky roads and the moments of uncertainty.

at the moment, my boyfriend's mum is in the same region as me, on holiday as well. i got her telephone number off her son. we have a cordial relationship, but i'm just unsure of what to say to her when i call. i'm clueless as to whether i should go over and see her or maybe go out to dinner with her. the thing is the relationship got to the 'meet-the-parent' stage pretty early and that freaks me out a little. well, if i'm going to get from miss to mrs, i might as well build on my relationship with her, she might be 'mother-in-law', who knows??